(A little boy and his mother come up to my register. The boy excitedly puts a bag of fishing lures on my counter, but before I can ring them up the mother asks me what they’re for.)
Me: They’re fishing lures, ma’am.
Customer: So they’re not edible? See, I told you those weren’t gummies, put them back!
Little Boy: BUT MAMMA I NEED SUGAR!
Customer: Fine, pick something else!
Little Boy: I want THIS!
(He dramatically slams a pack of Twizzlers down on the counter, and by now I’m having a really hard time not laughing.)
Customer: This is what I have to deal with every day!
(A man comes up to my register, and begins asking me questions in a very condescending manner. I tend to be very laid back and answer his questions rather stoically but politely. This apparently upsets him.)
Customer: You know, I miss the good old days. You should be thanking me just for stepping foot in this store! The customer is always right, you know. You should be more enthusiastic. ‘Yes sir, how can I help you sir, whatever you say sir!’
Me: I’m sorry, was I not answering your questions politely despite how rude you were being to me? How about I’m a human being and I’m not your servant, ‘sir’.
(He didn’t have anything else to say after that. I’m not normally antagonistic, but seriously, like the site title says, the customer is not always right.)
(This happens to me about eighty million times a day.)
Customer: Which register is open?
(I very deliberately look over at all the empty registers, then I look at my register which is the only one that’s open, then I look at the customer.)
Me: This one.
(For the love of God, if there is only one person standing there, just go up to their register and start putting stuff on the counter, I promise you the world will not end, you do not need to ask, even if it’s the service desk, please stop I am going to cry.)
(I’m on the service desk one day when I notice our loss prevention guy detaining an elderly woman and leading her upstairs with the manager. This is a fairly common occurrence, but what was less common was the three cops that showed up a few minutes later.)
Me: Why did they need three cops to handle one old lady?
Manager: Because she had every pocket and all her underwear stuffed with marijuana.
Me: Well, d***.
(Apparently she was very proud of her potheadedness and claimed to have used marijuana to save her ailing mother’s life.)
(An elderly woman and her daughter come in to drop of their cat for grooming. I don’t groom cats, but I strike up a conversation with them, and explain our services.)
Customer: Well, that all sounds great! How long does it usually take?
Me: About an hour, hour and a half. We only do hand drying here so it doesn’t take that long.
Customer: That should be enough time for us to go get breakfast. Do you know of any good places around here?
(I recommend a restaurant not too far down the road, and she leaves her cat and they go off to eat. The manager comes in and grooms the cat. When the customer comes back she is very happy.)
Customer: Oh, she looks beautiful! Thank you both so much! And you-that restaurant was wonderful, thank you for the recommendation!
Me: You’re welcome!
(She ended up leaving a tip for both myself and the manager. I got a ten dollar tip, just for being nice!)